


It Always Hurts

by jlstreck



Series: Avengers One Shots [10]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Friendship, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Touch-Starved, all of HYDRA deserves a painful death for what they did to Bucky, can be read as pre-Stucky, fear of touch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:03:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5931061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jlstreck/pseuds/jlstreck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A moment in time - Steve reaches for Bucky, but immediately stops when he sees the instantaneous reaction. </p><p>This plot bunny is 110% the fault of me watching CATWS yesterday. This one occurs at some undetermined time post-CATWS. Steve’s found Bucky. Bucky remembers him, but he’s still on very shaky ground when it comes to his recovery and re-integration into the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Always Hurts

Steve froze, hand hovering midway between them. Bucky was trembling. His body rigid with fear, eyes fixed on Steve’s hand, hope and terror warring in his expression. He felt his stomach churn at the idea of what had been done to his best friend to cause this.

“It’s okay, Buck. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.” Steve slowly lowered his arm. “I promise. I won’t hurt you.”

A small whimper slipped from Bucky as his eyes followed Steve’s hand as it dropped to the blond’s side. Steve fought to stay standing, to not let his knees buckle at the agony he felt.

“I … I want …” Bucky’s eyes went wide as the word fell from his mouth. “No. No. No.” His tangled hair whipped around his face at the violent shake of his head. “I didn’t … I don’t …”

Steve wanted to throw his arms around the other man, pull him close, and never let go. Instead, he forced himself to stay where he was, afraid any movement would send Bucky running.

“Ssshhh. Buck, it’s okay. You’re allowed to want. You’re allowed to tell me what you want.” Steve shuffled forward, leaving only a foot between them. “Buck, look at me.”

Blue-gray eyes rose slowly, meeting Steve’s. All the confusion, fear, and want lingered beneath pooling tears.

“Please, Buck. Please tell me what you want.” Steve whispered, trying not to shatter the moment.

“Sometimes I remember flashes of touching you, of touching other people. It didn’t hurt then, but that’s not right.” Bucky trembles harder as he speaks, voice wavering at the uncontrolled violence of it. “People only touch me when they have to … when I need maintenance. And it always hurts.”

“Oh, Buck. It doesn’t have to hurt. Not when people touch you for the right reasons. Not when they want to touch you.” Steve’s voice chokes off before the sob he feels can escape.

“But people don’t want to touch me. I’m just a weapon.” A single tear slips down Bucky’s cheek as he speaks.

“You aren’t. You aren’t just a weapon. You’re my best friend. Neither of us is the same man we were before the war, but Buck, that doesn’t change anything. I will always love you no matter what happens to us. I will always want to touch you, to hug you, to be there. Those assholes spent 70 years convincing you that you deserved nothing but pain. I’ll spend a thousand convincing you that you deserve anything but pain.”

Steve raised his hand slowly, making sure Bucky could follow the movement, could step away if he wanted. Seconds ticked by before his thumb brushed gentle across the tear-stained cheek, wiping the moisture away. Fingers weave their way into tangled strands of hair, the touch gentle, yet firm. Steve’s trying to reassure him, trying to stop the trembling that threatens to shake Bucky apart. To take Steve with him if he’s being honest, because the sight of his best friend, the man that was always full of casual touches and affection, coming apart because he’s so starved for touch and yet so terrified of it may be more than Steve can handle.

He watches as Bucky’s eyes fall shut, as he feels a slight increase in the pressure of Bucky’s head against his hand. Bucky whimpers again, a quiet sound that tears Steve’s heart from his chest, even as he feels the solid weight of the other man crumple against him. His free arm comes around Bucky on instinct, bracing the man’s weight between this body and arm. The hand on Bucky’s face shifts, the arm wrapping around his neck to hold him close.

Bucky’s body continues to shake, but now Steve can hear the sobs muffled against his chest. His own vision blurs with tears and he’s whispering promises and reassurances against Bucky’s head, not even sure what words he’s using.

Steve feels the tremors begin to lessen. He feels Bucky shifting, pulling his arms free from where they were trapped between their bodies. He starts to loosen his grip, not wanting the other man to feel trapped but is pulled tight again by two arms - one flesh, one metal - wrapping around his torso.

“Stevie.” He almost misses his name, whispered against his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Buck. I’ve got you.” He whispers back against the tangle of hair, letting his eyes fall closed as he places a gentle kiss there. “I’ll always have you … ‘til the end of the line.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this latest installment in the oneshot series. I swear the super soldiers are trying to kill me.  
> If you're on [Tumblr](http://jlstreck.tumblr.com/) feel free to stop by, say hi, and enjoy some Seb & Chris.


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